Christian single ladies: Why they are put off by church brothers
Why are Christian single ladies sceptical of brothers in the church? Kehinde Eniayejuni talked with some ladies who shared their perspectives. Their reasons are quite revealing
Pastor’s recommendation may be dangerous
Name: Adeyanju Oluwayemisi
Let me first advise single Christian ladies to stay firm in Christ. It is good to carry your pastor along in saying yes to a life partner. This is good. But that is if the pastor is trustworthy and reliable. I had a nasty experience because of the recommendation of a pastor.
If not for God I would have ended up marrying the wrong person. This pastor (not my present pastor) told me a particular brother was meant for me. I was naïve. And because I was also eager to begin a relationship I accepted. The brother looked responsible. So we began this relationship which was expected to culminate in marriage. Everything was going smoothly until I discovered that he was a smoker. I was mad at him. He told me he was trying to make himself happy by smoking. I began to wonder if the pastor knew he was smoking because he was highly recommended.
Initially, I thought that was something I could cope with and that with time he would stop smoking until he started becoming extremely violent. I kept enduring the relationship because I was told by the pastor that he was the one God had chosen for me.
But when he became violent at the slightest irritation, I started praying to God. I begged God to cause a perpetual fight to happen between us if he isn’t the right person. Slowly, it started happening. I started disliking him, till when I was bold enough to tell him I was no longer interested again. Shortly after I left him, I met another brother. This time I did not tell any pastor. I just decided to pray on my own and ask God for direction. With this new brother, I have peace of mind and genuine happiness. God confirmed it while I was praying too.
I believe knowing the right man is easy if one is in fellowship with God. One of the ways to confirm is that one would have inner peace. Single ladies should learn to pray personally and know how to hear from God.
My problem with the marriage committee
Name: Akomolafe Inioluwa
“ I had to turn so many brothers down from my church. I saw the red flags, even though they were true Christians and born again, they just didn’t portray genuine love and passion for God. I believe that if a Christian lady is truly born again, there’s no how you will go into a wrong marriage. It’s either you saw the red flags and chose to ignore them, or you are just impatient. Regarding the marriage committee, especially in Deeper Life Bible Church where I attend, I believe as they are only trying to help and curb worldliness in the church.
But there are some disadvantages which are not always talked about. The church has a reason for setting up the committee but I don’t think nine months(courtship) recommendation of the committee is enough to know your partner. I believe I should know the person at least for 1-2 years, go on dates, eat together and buy things together as this doesn’t only help to build love but also helps you to get to know him on a deeper level, their likes and dislikes, and shortcomings.
I know you can’t know someone completely before marriage but knowing them well to an extent will help you know if you can put up with them in the long run. Arguments and misunderstanding will always come but it will become a lesser issue to worry about if you have dealt with it before marriage. Marriage committee doesn’t give room for this, as much as I would want to go through the church process in marriage, I want to get to know my partner better and be more real with them, pray with them, be open-minded and not pretend. One just have to be disciplined to avoid immorality in this process and going to marriage committee doesn’t mean if a person wants to sin, he or she wouldn’t. That is why we should always put God in the picture if you want a good marriage”.
Many brothers are hypocrites
Name: Ayorinde Olawunmi
“ of course I want a God-fearing, humble and patient man. A man that has the fear of God has known how to put God first in everything. Any man who puts God first, and is the patient man will be a good husband. Many so-called brothers in the church today are not, even so, they just claim to be born again, the majority of them are not patient and humble while some are just hypocrite. May God help us to make the right choices”.
There is need for compromises
Name: Esther Babajide
“ I remember a friend of mine who ended his engagement plan with his fiancée. He said she came to his house from another state since they stayed far from each other. She met only one tin of milk and bread on the table and instead of making breakfast for two made for herself alone. He claimed she drank it all without even considering him.
After a week he said he couldn’t continue with her. As much as this sounds ridiculous, I feel they didn’t have many levels of communication and understanding. Many people are not ready to make compromises in a relationship as they are so filled with pride, and claim they come from different background. Before getting to marry someone, you should be ready to make sacrifices and be understanding and willing to forgive”.
He became violent because I refuse to say yes to his proposal
Name: Tayo Kehinde
Job: Freelance writer
“ As much as it’s important to get to know who you intend getting married to as well as going through the right process, I think many single Ladies fail to understand that they also have a role to play too. We can’t keep blaming the church. We hear the word of God daily. But many singles do not act by what they hear.
I remember a brother, a pastor son at that who claimed to be led by God to marry me. I told him God hasn’t revealed anything to me. He kept insisting and telling me not to push away who God has assigned to my life.
At a point I got confused and scared, he was so loving, humble, spiritual and caring but something still was not going right. Everyone I told felt he was the right person for me. But I had this inner conviction that he wasn’t the one. Until a few months later after so many prayers, he asked us to meet and that he has something important to say.
He said he wanted us to start making wedding plans. I told him I wasn’t convinced yet and that we would even need to go through the church process. He just stood up and started shouting, ranting and almost hit me. I got really scared, I never saw that coming. In defence, I asked him why he wanted to marry me, it was then he said, “I have enough money, there’s nothing you want that I can’t give you, we are both from the same church, what else do you want? people even told us we were compatible”.
It was at that point I knew why I was always troubled in my spirit. I told him I couldn’t marry him after which he started threatening to harm me if I don’t agree. I left and till today we never met. Few weeks after my experience with him I heard he was already dating another sister from the church.
I think a lot of brothers are not genuine, they are so superficial and materialistic even though they are Christians. They pray and even lie just to get your attention as a single lady. It only takes someone with a strong conviction and knowledge of the word of God to escape from such people. They are in the church and everywhere. As much as personal experience with God is important, it is important to know how God speaks to you, to know when to move forward or just stop moving